You’ve read a whole lot of “5 Ways to” posts around the web. And I’m sure they were all helpful. But this is the last one you need, for finance, at least. Yep, I’ve figured it out. The ultimate congregation of brainpower, diligent research, and sheer brawn comes together in this list. Not only will my readers become instantly wealthy, they’ll meet the person of their dreams and join together to purchase that island they’ve always wanted. Because they followed these five tips.

Oh, you want to see them? Sure, you could scroll down and skip all this amazing writing, but then you’d miss out on exclusive reveals of industry statistics and trends. (Disclaimer: This post will contain no exclusive reveals of industry statistics or trends. But who reads disclaimers?)

Hey, did you know that people who spend money they don’t have find themselves in rough situations? Yes, I spent 20 years living in the Everglades in order to bring you that information. Let me tell you, the mosquitoes are bad, but, they pay their debts.

During that time, I was also investigating the idea of generational gaps in financial literacy. Turns out, Filene Research was doing the same thing, and likely with much better controls than mine (alligators represented Boomers, escaped pythons slithered in for Gen X, and ospreys flew by for Millennials).

While all I learned was that alligators sometimes get eaten by pythons (unsuccessfully) and ospreys respond to your call (also, they have really sharp talons), Filene generated a useful study.

Their results told us about how poorly various groups (separated by age, gender, ethnicity, and economic class) understand basic financial concepts. But who wants to hear what we’re bad at? You know what we rock in? Spending. A-mer-ic-a! A-mer-ic-a!

The average American household carries $7,400 in credit card debt. Counting only the ones who have debt of any kind, that average rises to $15,863. Mmm, interest payments. I’ll give you a hint: That costs a lot more than just the debt.

So, you’ve stuck with me this long, and I do appreciate it. But that’s only because you know this is the last of the 5 Ways lists you’ll ever need. And now it’s almost over. What will you do with all your newfound time after this post is complete? Learn to play an instrument? Speak another language? The possibilities are endless. Except for poorly managing your finances, because we have that fixed.

What are my ultimate 5 Ways to Better Budget for Tuesdays? (You have my permission to use it for Thursdays also, but absolutely not Wednesdays!)

  1. Spend less money.
  2. Make more money.
  3. Save more money.
  4. If you owe someone money, pay it back.
  5. If you can avoid owing someone money, do that.

Go ahead, share them, far and wide. Credit me, or don’t. It’s the information that matters.

You’re welcome, America.

Rationale behind this post: The discussion on why financial literacy is so bad in the United States can be traced to a lack of education in traditional schooling. Not a surprise. However, later in life, people are faced with countless advice sources, from articles to newscasts, to “5 Steps” posts similar to this.

Some of these offer productive advice (which can be simplified into the previous list), but many create more problems than they solve. As a country, we don’t like to address the systemic issues that are driving inequities and challenges.

Nor will we acknowledge that a society built around the car will always cause financial hardship, partly because cars are depreciating yet extremely expensive necessities.

I wanted to poke fun at the near obsessive sharing of these types of lists with a tongue-in-cheek discussion. The funny part? If you’re reading this, you are among a privileged few. Those who never got this far must be thinking, “Gosh, that CU Geek is a real jerk!” Must be fun to get distracted so quickly.